Doctor Who: Time Crash

July 21, 2009 at 3:57 am (BBC, Geekery, TV) (, , , , , , , , )

Transcript of one of my favorite things in the world, because I couldn’t find one anywhere. And because it took so bloody long to load on this computer… And just because it’s fun.

Time Crash

5 and 10

Leaving, Martha pauses, turns back with a smile.
Martha: I’ll see you again, mister!
The Doctor smiles warmly.  Martha turns and leaves the TARDIS.  Once the door is shut behind her, she stops, and her smile vanishes.  She sighs and walks on, a small smile building again.
Inside, the Doctor flicks a switch, and leans there lost in thought for a moment.  Moving listlessly, he walks around the console, takes hold of a lever, and pulls it toward him – and the TARDIS goes topsy turvy.  There is smoke, there are alarms, there is time distortion, and the Doctor is flung onto the nearby bench.  He lunges back to the console and hastens to make corrections.

10th Doctor: Stop that – Stop it!  What was all that, eh?  (Pats/smacks the column) What’s your problem?
He works his way along the console, and –
5th Doctor: Right – Just settle down now!
– bumps into a man in a long cream-colored coat and a panama hat.
10: ‘Scuse me
5: So sorry.
They switch places and continue with their work – for a moment.  Both look up and at each other with similarly shocked expressions.  Very similarly.
10: WHAT?
5: What?
They come face to face, inches apart
10: What?
5: Who are you?  (With great suspicion)
10: Ohhhh brilliant! (He begins to smile, which spreads into a delighted grin – which abates for a second as he looks over the other man and says) I mean, don’t get me wrong, big emergency, the universe goes bang in five minutes, but – BRILLIANT! (the grin back in full force)
The other man is not smiling.
5: I’m the Doctor, who are you?
10: Yes you are!  You are the Doctor!
5: Yes, I am.  I’m the Doctor.
10: Oh, good for you Doctor –  good for brilliant old you! (Can’t keep his eyes off the hat, the face)
5: Is there something wrong with you?
10: OoHH, there it goes, the frowny face!  I remember that one!  Mind you – (takes 5’s face in both hands and wibble-wobbles it)

A bit saggier
– bit saggier than I ought to be, hair’s a bit grayer – that’s ’cause of me, though.  (lets go, goes off, leaving 5 to touch his own face, still stunned) The two of us together has shorted out the time differential, should all snap back into place when we get you home.  (reaches for Fifth Doctor’s lapels) Then you’ll be able to close that coat again!  (It certainly won’t close now.  The Tenth Doctor lets go and steps back) But never mind that!  Look at you!  The hat, the coat, the crickety cricket stuff, the … stick of celery  (his enthusiasm wanes with the celery.  #5 is beginning to look put out) Yeah… Brave choice, the celery, but fair play to you, not a lot of men can carry off a decorative vegetable…
5: SHUT UP!  (10 shuts quite up.  5 pulls off his hat) There is something wrong with my TARDIS and I have got to do something about it very very quickly and it would help, it really would help, if there wasn’t some skinny idiot ranting in my face about every single thing that happens to be in front of him!!
10: Oh – kay – sorry.  Doc-tor.
5: Thank you! (5 turns to the console, and 10 immediately loses control again)
10: OH, the back of our head!
5: WHAT?
10: Sorry, sorry – it’s just not something you see every day, is it, the back of your own head – mind you (smile fades into … something else) I can see why you wear a hat; I don’t want to seem vain, but could you keep that on?
5 turns angrily
5: What have you done to my TARDIS?  You’ve changed the desktop theme, haven’t you?  What’s this one?  Coral?
10: Well, I –
5: It’s worse than the leopard skin!  (puts on his glasses, to the glee of 10)
10: OH!  And out they come, the brainy specs!  You don’t really need them, you just think they make you look really clever! 

Brainy specs
(5 stares at him, appalled. Before he has a chance to reply, an alarm blares)
5: That’s an alert!  Level 5!  (the glasses come off again, and he hurries around the console. 10 saunters around in the other direction) Indicating a temporal collision!  It’s like – two TARDISes have merged, but –  (somehow, 10 is not surprised, nor is he concerned; he takes a seat on the console, leaning an elbow and watching) – there’s definitely only one TARDIS present!  It’s like two time zones at war in the heart of the TARDIS!  (pauses as the enormity breaks over him) That’s a paradox…  It could blow a hole in the space-time continuum the size of –  (10 shifts the monitor over so 5 can see.  And 5 deflates a little) well, actually, the exact size of Belgium. (sighs) That’s a bit undramatic, isn’t it?  Belgium?

Belgium?10 (pulls his sonic screwdriver from an inner jacket pocket): Need this?
5 (Not paying much attention to him – attacking a keyboard): Nah, I’m fine.
10: Oh, of course – you mostly went hands free, didn’t you? (tucking away the sonic screwdriver) – Like, “Hey, I’m the Doctor, I can save the universe using a kettle and some string” … (now he has 5’s full attention) … and “Look at me, I’m wearing a vegetable.”
5 slooowly comes around to stand nose to nose again.
5: Who are you?
10: Look.
5: No – oh, no –
10: Yes.
5: You’re –
You're - -
10: Here it comes, yeah, yeah – I am.
5: You’re – a fan.  (Not happy about this, he scurries back to work)
10: Yeah – (realizes in utter horror what 5 just said) WHAT?
A What??
5: Level 10 now – This is bad – two minutes to Belgium!
10 (morally outraged): What do you mean a fan?  I’m not just a fan, I’m you!
5: OK, you’re my biggest fan!  Look.  It’s perfectly understandable – I go zooming around space and time, saving planets fighting monsters and being, well let’s be honest, pretty sort of marvellous (10 agrees completely),  so naturally now and then people notice me.  Start up their little groups  (5 doesn’t like the little groups). That LINDA lot… Are you one of them?? (10 twitches – swallows – it was bad enough being taken for a fan, but if he’s going to start getting nasty – ) How did you get in here?  I can’t have you lot knowing where I live!
10: Listen to me, I am you, with a new face!  (Slaps his own cheeks alternately) Check out this bone structure, Dr, because one day you’re going to be shaving it!
(A sound like a gong begins.  5 is distracted from the skinny fan)
5: The cloister bell!
10: Yep, right on time, that’s my cue –
5: In less than a minute, we’re going to detonate a black hole strong enough to swallow the entire universe!
10: Yeahhhh… that’s my fault, actually; I was rebuilding the TARDIS and forgot to put the shields back up.  Your TARDIS and my TARDIS, well, the same TARDIS at different points in its own time stream, collided, and bloop, there you go, end of the universe, butterfingers – BUT don’t worry – I know exactly how this all works out, watch:  (begins working controls) Venting the thermo-buffer! Restoring the helmic regulator! And just to finish off, let’s fry those cyclon crystals!
5 (grabs his arm): You’ll blow up the TARDIS!
10: Only way out.
5: Who told you that?
10: You told me that!
(10 hits a switch – and they both look up at the column as it coruscates a blinding white light.)
5: A supernova and a black hole at the exact same instant …
10: Explosion cancels out implosion.
5: Matter remains constant.
10: Brilliant.
5: Far too brilliant!  I’ve never met anyone else who could fly the TARDIS like that.
10: Sorry mate, you still haven’t. (strides away)
5 (following): You didn’t have time to work all that out – even I couldn’t do it!
10: I didn’t work it out.  I didn’t have to.
5: You remembered.
10: Because you will remember.
5: You remembered being me, watching you doing that.  You only knew what to do because – I saw you do it!  (beginning to be a little delighted himself.  10 is grinning again)
10: Wibbly wobbly –
Both: Timey wimey!
10 slaps a hand out in a high five – and meets air, as 5 looks a little puzzled.
There is a new alarm, and 10 leaps into action
10: Right!  TARDISes are separating – sorry, Doctor, time’s up!  Back to long ago!  Where are you now?  Nissa and Tegan?  Cybermen and the Mara?  Time Lords in funny hats and the Master – oh, he just showed up again, same as ever!
Nissa and TeganNot such a rubbish beard

5: Oh no.  Really?  Does he still have that rubbish beard?
10: No! No beard this time – well, a wife.
5 (feels sth, and as he says): Hello!  (he fades out for a moment, and doesn’t quite come back all the way) I seem to be off.  Well – what can I say.

Thank you – Doctor.
10: Thank you.
5: I’m very welcome.  (fades)
10 hastens to flip a switch, and as 5 comes back steps over to him, picking up the panama from the console to return it.
10: You know (hands over the hat), I loved being you.  Back when I first started at the very beginning I was always trying to be old and grumpy and important, like you do when you’re young – – and then I was you.  It was all dashing about and playing cricket and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted – I still do that, the voice thing, I got that from you! (chuckling, 5 dons the hat) Oh! (clunks a foot up on the console) and the trainers!
And – (reaches for a pocket, and puts on his very own brainy specs) – Snap!  ‘Cause you know what, Doctor?  You were my Doctor.
5 (doffs his hat): To days to come.
10 (bowing): All my love to long ago.
5 fades away.  10 laughs to himself, and takes off the specs.
voice of 5:  Oh, Doctor – remember to put your shields up!
– As 10 pushes a button the console – just too late.  He spins as there is the bizarre sound of a ship’s horn, and suddenly debris – and the Doctor – are flying through the air.  Something has crashed through an upper corner of the TARDIS.
10: What?? WHAT??
He scrambles up as a bell sounds – not a cloister bell, but a ship’s bell – and from the debris picks up a ship’s life-ring. With the word “Titanic” on it.
10 (lower pitched, truly disbelieving): What?

ETA: Now that I’ve done it, I’ve found a couple of transcripts out there, of course … sadly, including one in which the writer inserted herself into the picture. “Literary” PhotoShop, in a truly nauseating manner. ‘Scuse me, I feel queasy…


1 Comment

  1. felorama said,

    Great work! I very much enjoyed it! Makes me want to watch the episode again!

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